SWW: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002)

I’m going to start this post with a short list; the things I liked about this movie.

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Wow, seven things is getting a little carried away there Count.

Once again, Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

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Almost every scene he is in is the small, watchable part of this movie for me.

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From the flying car chase scene on Coruscant in the beginning of the film.

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To confronting Jango Fett on Kamino.

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Speaking of Jango Fett, he was also something else I liked about this film.


Yes, he was extremely under utilized,

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And I didn’t really need to know Bobba Fett’s “tragic” backstory,

Your dad was a bitch, sorry Bobba.

I actually enjoy that the clones were based off of his DNA, I thought it was a nice way to tie him into the story.

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And he just looks awesome…

And lastly, I just really liked the Clone Troopers.

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I know they weren’t really until the end of the film, and they were definitely improved upon in the third film and the animated Clone Wars,

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Don’t worry, I’ll talk about this later.

I still really enjoyed their design in this film and thought it was a good plot element.

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I’m aware that this is all CGI and none of this is real, I don’t really care.

Damn. The enjoyable part of this post is down. If you don’t like negativity, I suggest you turn back now…

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Why were you even here in the first place?

Where to begin on the issues with this film.

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Thanks for volunteering Hayden.

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Hayden Christensen, who’s dick did you have to suck to land the role of Anakin Skywalker.

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Like Lloyd, I can’t place all of the blame of Anakin on Christensen, but man is it easier to.

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Why does everyone need to keep reminding him that he’s human? (I still would’ve preferred a puppet…)

For those that haven’t seen any of these films (still mind blowing), Anakin Skywalker grows up to be one of the most powerful and intimidating villains in all of cinema history,

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And I get it, the writing of most of the scenes between him and Padme is just bad.

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I haven’t been this uncomfortable watching a scene since Lovely Bones

But if there was a half decent actor playing Anakin, and Natalie Portman didn’t phone in her performance for this entire franchise,

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Just close your eyes Natalie, you’ll be in Black Swan soon.

Then maybe the audience would have become invested in this romance, something that would go on to negatively effect the third installment.

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Literally no one feels your pain…

But this isn’t my least favorite Star Wars movie just because of a couple of bad scenes or one bad performance.

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The plot of this film is just all over the place.

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Like who the fuck was this chick? And don’t tell me to read the books or some bullshit, if it’s not in the movie it doesn’t exist…

I had to look up the plot of this film just to remember what exactly happened in it other than Anakin bitching about sand and the clones.

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And Hayden killing a bunch of space Muslims…

And honestly, that’s pretty much it. The movie drags on in places it doesn’t need to, while cutting from scenes that need more explanation.

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Like I get they need a clone army, but why did they order one in the first place?

The climatic battle seems more like a child’s imagination than a typical light saber duel, and I don’t mean this in a good way.

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This is a child’s imagination in a good way. The Lego Movie (2014)

A story from filming is that Samuel L. Jackson, who played Jedi Mace Windu in the film, requested that his light saber be purple so that he could always tell where he was in the battle.

And while I’m half saying this to show off some of my useless Star Wars knowledge…

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I am also bringing it up to point out that that should never be an issue.

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There should never be so many light sabers on the screen that you have to request yours to be distinguished by a certain color…

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Pretty easy to pick him out here though…

And then there was Yoda…

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While I do enjoy the new CGI Yoda more than puppet Yoda…

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I didn’t need to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Yoda fight Saruman….

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I don’t have as big an issue with Yoda’s fight against the Emperor in the third installment,

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I know the scenes look similar, but it’s the story behind it that matters…I’m aware I’m a nerd.

But I think that is when it should of been revealed that Yoda can fight.

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Put it away little guy, too soon.

This is just another case of George Lucas finding a new technology and using it as soon as possible…

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God dammit, you’re not even in this movie…that much…

But this post is done. And Episode III was much better, so relax. 

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But not that much better…


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