Star Wars: The Force Awakens

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, then please stop reading this blog, in fact just go throw your laptop and modem away because you don’t deserve either of them.

I wish I could find a different one, cause you’re not cool enough to be Ron Swanson

So now that the peasants are gone, I can get down to my review….

I don’t need to give the plot synopsis because if you followed my instructions you should’ve already seen it.
And if you haven’t seen it yet, why are you still reading this? Get the hell out of here Adam…
God I love this one.

So instead of going into what I loved about the movie, which was most of it…

My one reader, if you know her, please let me know…

I’m actually gonna talk about what I disliked about the movie.

What? Sue me…

I know that some people are already on their way to kill me, but Jett you don’t know where I actually live so I’m not too worried.

To start, the plot was pretty much an exact copy of Star Wars (I should call it A New Hope, but I need to protect my nerd street cred…) Like, carbon copy. Random stranger from a dessert planet who doesn’t know their parents needs to help destroy a giant space station that is blowing shit up. It’s the same damn movie…
The stranger at the bar swore it was Advil…

And the characters, well not Finn and Rey they were perfect (one reader, don’t let me down on that), but the villain and supporting characters were really bland. So before I rip on Kylo Ben,

Go deal with your daddy issues elsewhere

The supporting characters; Poe, Captain Phasma, and General Hux (I’m not gonna shit on Han Solo and Chewbacca, I’m not a monster) were boring. They barely did anything the entire movie. I know, I know, “But Maaaaaacccc, it’s only the first movie, they’ll explain in the next two!” I know only person nerdier than me, but that’s not gonna stop me from ripping on this movie…

I had something for this, but I can’t get over the girl on the right…

Oscar Isaac, Gwendoline Christie, and Domhnall Gleeson are incredible actors and they were wasted here. Go watch Ex Machina. (In fact, I’m just gonna do a review of that too…so don’t go see it yet) And if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones and Christie as Brienne of Tarth well,

So on to Kylo…oh Kylo…you whiny little emo with more daddy issues than a mid-day stripper. You don’t need a mask like Vader did, you don’t utilize your cool light saber like Maul did, and you certainly aren’t as badass as Dooku.
This man was in WWI, and you ruined it George Lucas!

And don’t get me wrong, Adam Driver is an incredible actor…so I’ve been told…(I’ve never seen Girls, sue me…) But when you need to bring in Benicio del Toro as another villain for your second movie, you done fucked up…

Almost this fucked up…almost

But since I’ve now aired my grievances, back to being a nerd…

WHO’S STOKED FOR ROUGE ONE!?!

 

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